The Test Of Faith
“Revelation 21:4 : He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
“Suzie I’m telling you, you haven’t miss anything” tried hugging crying Suzie but couldn’t because of her stomach “but…I…missed Halloween…and it’s November…oh my gosh CHRISTMAS!” tears fell violently off her cheek. Robbie tried to keep up with the tears but dropped the tissue box, I desperately looked at my watch 7:00 freedom “well I better go hang in there Suzie, and Robbie stock up on tissues”. I walked out of her mother’s apartment and walked into the lobby. I’m really nervous at 7:00 I was supposed to meet Derek outside his house, he told me he had something important to tell me.
I really hope this is the day I find out about his family, walking in down the street in the middle of November is really nice. Not just because it’s not boiling hot but because this year there were actually leaves falling off the tree it was really nice considering the fact that I have actually gotten used to not being in Canada it’s a nice change.
I got up to his house and of course he was fuming, ok listen buddy it was ten freaking’ minutes calm yourself “you’re-“ten minutes late I know” he gave me a quick hug and walked up his steps. I wasn’t sure what to do in this situation “aren’t you going to come in” he smirked; this is the moment I was entering his life; a life forever. I stopped myself whoa there girl way to get ahead of yourself.
He turned the knob and I smoothened out my strapless dress, “my parents aren’t home but Angie please prepare yourself” I clutched the strap of my backpack preparing for the worst. He opened the door and immediately I realized how dull and lifeless it was, the entrance was bare nothing but walls and a mat to put your shoes. Derek took off his vans and I proceeded to take off my converse, as we proceeded into the house I found out that the kitchen was to the right and the living room was to the left.
The kitchen was borderline basic which meant table, 4 chairs, old fridge, oven that’s really it over all it wasn’t that bad but it didn’t really have that homey feel like my house did. To the left was the living room, the living room was always a child’s play area but theirs were no toys on the floor, in the middle of the living room was a flat screen TV and one couch.
So you get a flat screen TV but can’t give people basic needs…
The lights where dim almost out, this house was not inviting “Oh Der I’m sorry” I hugged him as my hand rested on his chest. He grabbed my hand “its fine Angie really I’m a survivor do you want to see the rest of the house?” I’m scared of just this half of the house what about the top part! Never mind that I haven’t met his parents.
“Yes but only if you’re here with me” “you do realize you’re scared of my own house right?” I smiled sheepishly.
“We walked up the creaky wooden steps I stared at the door that was dead center. “Is that-“no it’s Bre’s”. When I was younger my door had princess stickers and my name in big sparkly pink letters don’t judge I thought I was God’s princess. Instead it was plain white, I opened the door and the room was more depressing Bre was sitting on her white fitted sheets playing with two dolls.
“Angie!” she threw her dolls unto the floor which again had no indication that a child lived or played there. She gave me a huge hug then grabbed Derek and shouted “Dweck”. I looked at the room one dresser, one bed and one toy box that looked like there was nothing inside “Bre we have to go” she nodded sadly and pointed to me and her cross.
“Connected” I whispered before leaving.
We walked to his door before I stopped “Der I’ve never been In a guys room before” of course he smirked and had that face “oh you’re a virgin” he ran a hand through his hair before slightly opening the door. “Well this is where the magic happens” he opened the door fully I was amazed it was pretty roomy and surprisingly neat.
In the middle of his room was his bed that was made neatly, and then there was the usual room stuff dresser, computer desk and well blank walls. I will still and forever be amazed by his neatness, he sat on his bed and I’ll admit I was a bit grossed out
“can you recommend a spot where you didn’t have….you didn’t…..where you did the dance with no pants”. He looked around the room and smiled sheepishly he then pointed to a small corner in between his desk “wait…never mind” I grumbled and sat on the bed, while awkwardly looking around the room.
“Angie I need to tell you…I’m ready”
Finally no more holding back no more secrets no more lies “before I tell you, promise me you will not freak out” I nodded slowly grabbing his hand preparing for the not so pretty tale of my boyfriends past…
“When I was seven my grandmother came to live with us, as a young 7 year old boy I was scared, I mean a grandmother is a boys worst nightmare always hugging me, kissing me, loving me ugh I wanted her gone. When she started living with us everything was happier she was the kind of person who could stop a fight faster than I could start one, she could cook better than my mom and made the most amazing cookies she was amazing.
My parents used to be so in love, their story of how they found each other would become my nighttime story. After they finished telling the story they would kiss I didn’t mind much I would see so much love every time they looked at each other. Back when I believed in love.
One day after school these kids started picking on me for being a “granny’s boy”. I punched them out and sent them flying, trust me I was proud until I saw my grandmother staring at me pure disappointment showed in her eyes. She picked me up and she took me to the park where I used to love playing on the swings, she purposely pushed me too hard and I fell. She looked at me with a worried expression like she was scared for me.
“What did it feel like when you were being teased, or when you fell on the floor” “helpless…like a punch in the face…but it felt worse when you were there”. She gave me a hug and I wouldn’t let go.
“Der bear I won’t always be around, someday you will understand what I’m saying. One day you’re going to be alone and you’re going to have to remember what if felt like to be teased”. Before pulling away I remember he face moving to my ear and whispering “I’m going to miss you”.
I honestly had no clue what she was talking about but somehow in some way that day made us closer than ever. Her words really stuck in my head but by grade 3, I was still beating people up and picking fights with kids that made fun of me I guess I was just reckless.
One day in grade 4, I was turning 10 but still fighting this time for a whole different reason, my grandma started going out a lot going to doctors , hospitals , check up’s , and sometimes she would be gone for a whole week.
With her gone my parents started fighting over things like money and especially her will, that’s all they talked about. Around grade 5 Bree was born and a 1 month old baby was replaced by money and my poor sick grandmother took care of her.
Everything in my life really just past by, I no longer cared about anything, anybody nothing except my grandmother she is the one that really taught me true love. The month before Grade 8, I went to go visit her in the hospital, she had become really sick and I had demanded my parents to get her a room. Anyways I walked into her room and she was reading a really big book while crying. I ran up to her and hugged like there was no tomorrow, she put down her book and looked me straight in the eyes.
“Der bear I have been really stupid”
“no you haven’t you raised me” I shook my head firmly but she also shook her head and handed me the book.
“Ma’ what’s this” she smiled and ran her fingers though the cover “a bible” I never really knew what a bible was until I met her.
“Derek when I was younger I was a prostitute”
I saw tears falling off her face and I started crying, was I upset NO! I was confused she took my hand and wiped my tears away. “God has given me new life he has forgiven my transgression” she started explaining God to me and I just loved she explained him like a beacon of light like: the father I never had.
My real father! Not the guy who became known to me and my Grandmother as the sperm donor.
The week before school was the week she died, I visited her the day before as I sat on her bed she grabbed my hand and whispered “child I’m not going to be around anymore but I need you to promise me one thing”. I muttered a promise and she looked at her bible “true love is real son, I know because Jesus loves you”.
She wouldn’t let me ask questions and blinked away each tear that was forming “Derek you need to be who you are, you need to be that boy I know you are; a fighter because one day there is going to be a girl who is going to love you to the moon and back. You need to find her and God”. I promised her that and then she died…
And I didn’t know
Do you know what it’s like to hear that your grandmother died in the middle of Call of Duty, Johnny told me the only person that had enough heart and who actually cared about me. The nurses son, when the funeral came along I paid for the whole thing but wasn’t invited that’s when everybody became even more distant.
My parents forced me to babysit while they counted money that was supposed to be mine, surprise Angie I’m rich”.
A tear rolled down his cheek and at that moment everything he told me registered in my brain “Angie……I’m horrible” his voice cracked but he wanted to continue his story.
“Grad 8 started and that’s when I switched over to a catholic school believing it was something my grandmother would have wanted. It was only Johnny and I and from the start he was a total badass all he did was reject girls but did it with confidence that month his mom also passed away.
The disease that killed both the people we loved instantly suddenly he got into sex, girls, drugs, alcohol that’s what I wanted at that moment I decided to make a change I bid all hatred against God. He killed her because she made a mistake this so-called God took away her life, hell Satan made God look like the devil.
Then I realized none of this shit was really the devil, Satan, angel’s, God or Jesus he is a myth. With that new mindset the second week Cathie came into town man it was like nothing I had ever seen before she was an insta star. From the moment she walked in every guy wanted her but she only had eyes for me.
That same week I had lost my virginity, I changed Angie, I changed into the man my grandma told me not to be, I broke the promise and that is when I believed love wasn’t real. Then I started believing in it…I fell for Carol, had I thought she loved me too but I was stupid we were just friends…with a hell lot of benefits. One night Carol pressured me to have sex at my place and I kind of gave in the only problem is they caught me.
Before they were really strict about that stuff they forbid me from talking to Bree they told me I was just like my grandmother. I only got to see her every once in a while and even then it was brief, that was when they pretended to care now they don’t give a crap.
I took my anger out on sex, I believed what they said was true, I had sex everyday with different girls while missing classes until…you came along”. He played with my tips of my hair “I’m sorry” he shrugged ruffling my hair “no, don’t say that Angel I have done a lot of stupid things forgive me for being cheesy but…loving you wasn’t one of them”.
I was speechless.
What was I supposed to say to that? I know I’m supposed to think of what ‘Jesus would do’ but I really doubt that Jesus ever had to go through this kind of situation. “Say something Angie please” he pleaded giving me those puppy dogs eyes that made me weak at the knee’s “tell me you don’t blame God tell me”.
I saw the darkness and pain in his eyes, he sighed and whispered “not as much” well progress right! I mean China wasn’t built in a day…..
“Thanks for telling me Derek, I trust you I won’t judge you I love you and I know you love me, you’ve changed since then you’re not the same fighter you used to be” suddenly he kissed me on the lips, our lips moved in synch, he scooped me up and placed me onto his bed. I stopped.
I bit my lip nodding; I left his house…
Jesus I’m scared…for Derek
It Continues Still…
Challenge: Take a moment and ask yourself how important your family is, you know sometimes we say to our brothers and sisters ‘I HATE YOU’ ‘YOU’R SO ANNOYING’ what would it be like if they were gone?
*Sorry for the mistakes*